Marriage / Relationships / Sex

Why Snuggling, Not Groping Leads to More Groping

How is it Tuesday already, I wonder? I just slept for some ten-plus hours to rid myself of a headache that’s been thrumming for the last week. But I’m going to stop whining here for a second and let someone else have a turn–the men who responded to Dr. Logan Levkoff’s Fox news article 5 Ways To Get Your Wife to Have More Sex With You.

After the article ran, Dr. Levkoff  received scathing emails from irate men and she responded on Huffington Post with Why Some Men Aren’t Getting Laid, which includes quotes from said whiny men. Go check them out. I was floored by their comments. Seriously, I had no idea that sex tips could elicit such rage. Especially tips like: Snuggle, Don’t Grope, and: Do Unto Others. Anyway, as usual, sex educator Charlie Glickman conjured up a very lucid response on his blog about how women are often in the role of responding to sexual advances. His way of explaining the important rationale behind the “Snuggle, Don’t Grope” tip struck a nerve with me. I highly encourage you to read his wise words verbatim, but in short he elucidates on how us gals, by virtue of growing up in this society, will inevitably experience some unwanted forms of sexual advance. For example–the whistle, the stare, the tit brush, the ass grab, or in my case, launching myself from a moving limo while my former boss tried to shag me. I digress. But how odd is it that in our culture such behavior  is both compliment and insult? Anyway, while on some level I can be flattered by sexual attention, I also  know what it feels like to be on the defense. Most gals do. Which is why, as Charlie suggests, a grope from a loving, horny partner can sometimes, and often on very subtle levels, be interpreted as an intrusion and/or the calloused hands of a dirty old man.

Talking about this reminds me of something I went through with my first love in our relationship from eighteen to twenty-three. Years in, after falling into the: Not now, Honey pattern I told him that I wanted to have more of a chance to initiate sex because I always felt like I was deciding whether or not to get jiggy based on his advance. I wanted to get down. But not always when he did. And since he was more proactive, I always felt I’d missed my turn for the pounce. Our conversation did not happen overnight, it happened over years. And at first he had no effing idea what I was talking about. But being able to express myself to him, and have him listen and share his perspective, we eventually changed our patterns. Tried and true, listening to each other’s feelings was half the battle and definitely led to more quickies in the end. Thanks for that, W, I’m immensely grateful.

At this point in my life, I can honestly say that I’m just as big a fan of the grope as the snuggle. But I’m aware that, for me, feeling like sex is not a “yes or no” question to be answered comes from mucho respect and communication. Sadly, it seems that the men responding to Levkoff ain’t hip to the kinky nights that hearing someone else’s perspective can bring. Their loss.

3 thoughts on “Why Snuggling, Not Groping Leads to More Groping

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