porn / Relationships / Sex

DIY Porn

Over the weekend I read this Globe and Mail article: How DIY porn might save your relationship and thusly I’ve been reflecting on the ways that DIY helped the state of my union. By that, I mean both my relationship with porn and with my husband. As I’ve no doubt blogged about before, I used to feel uncomfortable when boyfriends watched XXX, not to mention when my fiancé landed a job filming it in the flesh. But after a great deal of muddling through my various judgments about porn, I realized that one of the main things I’d always felt was left out. Hubby and I talked about this at length. Some of my feelings of jealousy and exclusion were in my head—no duh, my man wasn’t actually cheating on me with porn stars. But a part of it was also real. He agreed that there was a disconnect between his relationship with porn and with me. As Micah Toub puts it in this article:

After a while, though, it dawned on me that I was creating a divided sexuality. I was erecting, if you will, a wall between the sex I was having in my psyche and the sex I was having with my girlfriend. Both are important, of course, but I decided to build a doorway connecting the two: do-it-yourself dirt.

Hubby’s intention was never to make me feel left out or second rate next to his double D gal pals. And after hashing this out, we, too, discovered that a good way to bridge the gap was turning the camera on ourselves. Sorry again, Mum, way TMI. It turned out, go figure, that my man was more than happy to add me to his reel. And it didn’t hurt my confidence that he’s a cinematographer and knows a thing or two about angles and lighting. Doing this together definitely had positive effects for both of us. Keeping online worlds and relationship worlds separate had become an unconscious habit for my husband. While we don’t need to share everything—a little space and mystery is a healthy thing in a marriage–DIY helped both of us be more open and accepting about porn. I know, break out the freakin XXX violins.

Okay then, now that I’ve earnestly written about making cinema erotique with my husband, it’s time to shove off to work. I’ll leave you with another wise sound bite about giving men a little more credit when it comes to their relationships with smut and significant others. Ta ta!  

This idea of co-directing reminded me of another article that appeared recently, in The Atlantic Monthly. In it, Natasha Vargas-Cooper argues, among other things, that egalitarian sex couldn’t truly exist because, she wrote, “Male desire is not a malleable entity that can be constructed through politics, language, or media.” She worries that men possess a single-minded idea of what gets them off and that this is increasingly shaped by the porn they watch.

It’s probably true that there will always be some things that men will only do in our imaginations, but the implication that we have some kind of incapacity for a mutually rewarding sexual relationship sells us short. In the end, I can guarantee you a man will be willing to negotiate creative differences if there’s another two hands on set.

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2 thoughts on “DIY Porn

  1. Please don’t make fun of my serious ctmemnos, Kristen. Of all people, I thought you cared. . . sad, very sad, I will become a sex machine, I will show the world!! they might have to amputate both my hands but I will triumph!. . . You’ll see, -or maybe you won’t- LOL!!.Happy New Year to you, Kristen!!-A

  2. What kind of panel are you talking about? Solar thaemrl, as in for hot water/room heating? Or photovoltaic? In the end its a matter of how good your DIY skills are and from what level of DIY you are talking about. eg, if you are buying the panels and installing them yourself, then there should be no difference. If you are fabricating the panels then you better be good at what you do. Creating photovoltaic cells is not a simple task. Soldering purchased cells together to create panels is tricky as they are easily damaged. Efficiency should not be a problem, but finish might be as well as robustness. It would be safer to buy complete panels and just mount them yourself and set up the batteries ans switch gear. But use good gear and follow instructions very carefully.With thaemrl panels you might not get the same levels of efficiency by using cheaper materials, std glass instead of non reflective for instance, but if space is not an issue, then you can get more heat out by going bigger and still save overall.

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