embarrassing moments / porn / weddings

My So-Called Life, Handcuff Mishaps and Girls Who Like Porn

Recently I’ve been re-watching My So Called Life and reliving my teenage yearning for Jordan Catalano. Why oh why they canceled that show, I’ll never comprehend. Anyway, I was watching the episode where Rayanne gets handcuffed to Angela’s parents’ bed and it reminded me of another embarrassing story, so I thought I’d share. Here goes.

Once upon a time, hubby and I went to France on our honeymoon. Altogether we took a lucky three weeks away from LA, which included our wedding in Montreal and a few days in Newfoundland. I bring up our schedule only to convey the sheer size of my luggage, which required freight lifts and several porters, only my husband performed all the lifting himself. Sorry again for that, dear. It was my wedding and I was under the brief misconception that I was Kate Middleton. Anyway, at Orly airport in the early morning, undoubtedly nursing a Rosé  hangover, we made a last minute decision to carry on one of my smaller suitcases and avoid another hundred Euros in overweight charges. We quickly attempted to re-pack in line whilst being stepped on by aggravated passengers, and removing, not one, but two liters of liquid (chi tonic, don’t ask) from my carry-on. As we cued up for security, we were pretty sure we were kosher and carrying no liquids or flammables.

I went through security first and made hubby carry the bag, just in case we’d forgotten anything. As it passed by the camera, the conveyor belt stopped and the guard called someone else over to the screen. They looked at each other, back at the image, and then at hubby and said: “Vous etes policier?” Translation: “Are you a police officer?”

At that point I was out of there like a shot, standing ten feet away and trying not to pee my pants too badly for an eight hour flight as I remembered the pair of fuzzy, hot pink handcuffs that my girlfriends had given to me at my bachelorette party weeks earlier. The airport security proceeded to take said cuffs out of the suitcase and dangle them in front of my poor husband. Then the security man–who looked exactly like Mr. Bean–also removed a full set of cutlery and a wine opener piece by piece from our picnic cooler, which we’d also neglected to remove.

“Thanks for the ditch,” my better half said when he caught up with me doubled over in weeping, hysterical laughter.  Needless to say, I spent the entire flight and the next few days asking, “Vous etes policier?” until it lost its luster. The irony, we realized when we opened our carry-on sometime later, was that they’d neglected to confiscate a switch blade hubby had purchased as a souvenir. Alas, I guess the moral of the story is pack lighter and check the sex toys. Live and learn.

I’ll leave you with this link to an entertaining Girls Like Porn Too video from College Humor. And I second their notion that a bunch of gals driving around in the gang bang bus collecting hot men is waaay more credible. Why hasn’t anyone thought of that? Business venture?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s